Hello!

I feel old anymore. And not like, oh I feel like I'm in my thirties and I'm doing too much old, I mean really really really old. Ancient, in fact. My feet ache, my back aches. I just hate my life. Between work and school, I never have time for myself.

I never have time for Alex. That's what I miss more than anything is him. I remember the nights that we used to have together, staying up all night talking and laughing. I remember prom night, oh. I think that is my favorite memory of us. Other memories make me happy and sad all at the same time. I know it makes no sense, but they do.

The saddest one that I remember is August 7th, 2008. God did I cry that night. Tears of joy, I was so happy. I don't think that I've ever been so happy in all of my life!

Earlier today, he told me that he wouldn't know what to do if he ever lost me. I remember when I lost him. I cried every night that I drove home, I don't know how someone didn't get hurt severely. I cried every night when I went to bed. He seemed like he was fine though.

If he did miss me, he never showed it any.

Why do sad memories always shine through in your mind brighter than happy memories?

I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
I want to marry him.

I wish he wanted to marry me. I know that he doesn't, and that's fine I suppose. I want that proposal to happen again. I want that so much. That night was so beautiful, but if I bring it up I'm just stupid for remembering it.

So I pretend not to remember. I pretend that I just don't care anymore. But I do. God do I. I miss wearing my ring there. It sounds so insane of me, but I wear my promise ring on that finger just so it doesn't feel so...bare. So I don't feel bare.

Maybe I expect too much out of him.
Maybe I expect too much. Period.